i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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