I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
