you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
