Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
