i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
