You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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