ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
