Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
