god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
