3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
