Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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