I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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