I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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