I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
