Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
