I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
