??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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