I'm gonna have a badass scar
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
