Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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