I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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