I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
