i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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