My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
