I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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