Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
