first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
