I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i drank out of a bidet.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize