I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
