People in love make me want to vomit
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
