There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
