i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
