my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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