Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
