I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
