If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
