shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
