I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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