Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
