I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
