I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
