i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You're like the curious george of whores
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
