Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
