Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
