can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
