So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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