Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
