Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
