When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
