I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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