I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
