And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize