I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
