I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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