sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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