were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
