when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
