i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
