Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
