More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
