this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
