I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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