i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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