we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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