I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
