Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
