Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
