I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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