college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You are a genius and a whore.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize